home-book  Positive Intelligence: 
This was a book that we were supposed to read for work. It’s an interesting perspective, trying to remove unproductive judges from our perspective.PQ  (Positive Intelligence) is the ability to understand our emotions and when we are using the ultimate saboteur to persuade our decisions. If we can remove them from the decision making process, we make more sound decisions. And we can live to be more positive people.

Here’s the approach:

  • Remove judgement from the equation
  • Be positive
  • Be present
  • Look at opportunity with a clear mind

It’s up to us to remove judgement from our lives to ensure we think clearly.

Activate the sage to better deal with judgment:

The 5 powers of the Sage are Exploring, Empathising with yourself and others, Innovating and creating new perspectives, Navigating the best paths andActivating which involves taking decisive actions. These five powers essentially translate into greater creative thinking, problem solving and empathy for people.

What’s most important is to be present. And to do this to gain presence:

– Wiggle your toes
– Rub your fingers together
– Breathe and absorb. Understand  the moment.

They recommend doing about 100 PQ reps per day to strengthen this muscle.

I also thought one story was pretty great. Shirzad was in the midst of getting his degree at an Ivy league school. In his first year, he felt very confused and unworthy of being there. He then decided to write a letter describing this, which ended up becoming a hallmark moment. Everyone thought similar to himself. No one felt comfortable, which in turn made them feel unworthy. The judge had guided him wrong to think he shouldn’t be in the accepted pool of Ivy league students. He stuck it out, and that letter is still passed today to freshman as a gift to show empathy. It shows the connection that we all go through this, and the judge is talking us down to not be the great person we can be.

Below are the assisting negative sabateurs with the judge leading the way:

    • Stickler to quiet their own fear of judgment from others by being perfect.
    • Pleaser to earn love through their self-imposed sacrifices because they don’t feel worthy of love.
    • Hyper-vigilant to ward off danger and be safe.
    • Restless to escape the present reality which lets them avoid unpleasant things and nurture themselves by finding excitement.
    • Controller is a fear of being controlled by others or by circumstances.
    • Avoider to avoid conflict and unpleasant emotions.  They want to keep the peace at all costs.
    • Hyper-achiever  to prove to themselves through constant achievement that they are worthy of love.
    • Victim to be seen, to get attention.
    • Hyper-rational to prove their competence or to create order in a chaotic environment.
 smartlove Smart Love: 
I was interested in finding a book about the best way of parenting. And this seemed like an interesting concept. Overall approach:

  • We’re wired to cause unhappiness for ourselves if our primary confidence/happiness is removed from ourselves. It’s comfortable and controllable.
  • The goal is to ensure your child has this primary happiness instilled with them. And this should lead how we discipline since this makes them become happy and confident people.
  • Discipline goes in the exact opposite of “tough” love, but rather uses loving regulation to build understanding and care in the day-to-day trials and tribulations
  • Not to be confused with permissive parents, loving regulation focuses on using love/care with regulation to get to the best solution. Safety is never at risk; And the unconditional love shows up on a daily basis.
  • We are all born to love whatever care we receive and want more of it. Smart love focuses on how we all want to be treated , so always lead with compassion and kindness, rather than negativity and authoritative choices.
 shopping The Art of Happiness
Who knows any better on being happy than the Dalai Lama. Here’s what stuck with me:

  • Feelings are temporary, actions are permanent
  • Contentment. We live off the base of hope that we have the next day. Well, hope is not a strategy. The best thing to do is to ensure that your life is filling a service to someone to make their lives better. So how can you people? That will make you happy.
  • Life is change. We live only for non-permanence.
  • Patience and tolerance and overcome hatred.
  • Hatred does no good. It makes us act crazy without a clear mind. They are negative feelings that make us unhealthy. Our job is to overcome this feeling. If it’s in the past, there’s no reason to hold onto those feelings. Keep moving forward and don’t cry over spilled milk.
    • Trying to rid of feeling that don’t correlate to happiness is key. We have a choice to be happy. A man with nothing (e.g. homeless guy I say hi to) seem svery happy to live each day. And we have people who seem to hvae everything who don’t appreciate their surrounding and only ask for more. It’s a choice.

      We have the choice to entertain negative thoughts. It’s up to us to take the higher ground/brighter perspective.
    • Ignorance, craving, hatred- the ingredients of suffering
  • Compassion, Love, and Forgiveness.
    • Compassion is key to happiness
    • Empathy consists of compassion
  • Be present. Listen/Taste/Feel/Understand.
  • All suffering has learning.
  • Many people assisted us to get where we are. Be thankful of this.
    e.g. the shirt we are wearing had a lot of hands that touched it. The farmer grew the cotton; production person made the shrit. The company then dyed it. Designer designed it. The person then shipped it out to you. etc.
  • Meditate on others suffering – health, mental, emotional (eg Cambodia) and give your thoughts of compassion to ease suffering
    Build up your mental tools of suffering
  • Life’s events are static… like a single house on a drive. Move on. Your story and emotions only make something that is in changeable bigger. A moment along the journey
  • Relationships built on physical attraction are like houses built on ice. Compassion and friendship build love.
  • All suffering has learning.
  • Try to remove hatred and anger from your body. These emotions never do anything good and are destructive.
  • Don’t waste energy in anger. Won’t solve anything. Move on and and forget or discover opportunity behind it
  • Daily prayer should not be a chore. It should be a reminder of good will.
  • You won’t achieve happiness when you desire things that ultimately will reach a wall; things you want.  The better way to approach it is to be happy with the things that you  have currently. That should make you elevate to being content.
  • Our soul desire is to seek and be happy. This may seem so sad but it is not. In fact it’s the opposite. People who are unhappy tend to be more selfish to be less social and to do things that are wrong and he more loving and caring. Period
  • Romance needs foundation. Cannot be based off physical

 
 GettingToYes Getting to Yes
This is an old, but informative book on how to  negotiate better on a daily basis. Here’s what I was able to pull away from this:

  • Negotiation is the art of getting both parties into a better position than they are now.
  • We can never just give orders. Daily we must negotiate to get what we want and  compromise with other parties. This includes our children, family, friends, and colleagues.
  • The book speaks to five main principles:
    • Separate the people from the problem
    • “Focus on interests, not positions
    • “Invent options for mutual gain
    • “Insist on using objective criteria
    • “Know your BATNA (Best Alternative To Negotiated Agreement)
  • Speak to the facts. Look at regulation or precedent. (e.g. houses in area for real estate, building codes for others.) This is finding common ground and what truly is fair.
  • Be inquisitive. e.g. “Does your company comply with xxx regulation?”
  • Always say that you want a “fair” offer. This shows reason. And then go into examples of what your perception of fair might be.
  • Always look at their perspective as well. What is reasonable from their side in what they’re giving up?
  • Good metaphor for practice. People who play tennis all of their life and don’t improve tend to be comfortable with their current position. People who improve try new techniques. When this happens, their game may go down, but eventually will increase past the “original” way of thought. This makes for a better, well-rounded person.
  • Invent alternatives. Brainstorm together to attach the problem. Never rely on the option 1 or option 2. There is generally ways to be creative if needed. We only will sell for $240k is bad. But being open to selling for $220k and lease out for 12 months, plus use the barn for three months gives better options for everyone.
  • Don’t cave in because of pressure. Always use principal.
  • Good negotiators can walk away and think about new alternative. They don’t need to think about it in the moment unless the research has already been done.
  • Be firm yet open to alternatives.
  • Look forward. Not backward. In a negotiation use your reasons first to ultimately get to the conclusion. Don’t discuss what happened discuss measures to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
  • The power behind understanding the other correctly. Pause and say, “Let me make sure I understand…” That can tone down the conversation when people feel you understand.
  • Remove emotion from negotiation. Remember that communication is about listening and not responding based off the emotion.
    Attack the problem is if both parties have a vested interest to solve it. It’s not about position; it’s about solving the issue for the better of both parties. Also always consider the other persons BATNA.
  • When things do get emotional trying telling the other party how you feel not like they are intending. For example tell them that you feel that disgraced. Not that they are racist. Telling the other party how you feel may improve the negotiation.
  • Don’t respond to attacks.
  • When being attacked, focus on the issue.
  • Ask questions to move the negotiation forward rather than defending position.  Then it becomes a pissing match.
  • When you get the offer, always feel free to ask “How did you come to $x?” We just want what’s fair.
  • Know that people will make it uncomfortable to help speed up the negotiation. Call it out. “Perhaps tomorrow you can sit in this seat with the sun in your eyes.” Or even uncomfortable conversation may do this as well. Ignore it.
  • Negotiation jujitsu. Use their force to work for your advantage.